Another Shiddukh Test...

Hattip: Frum Satire (This post was inspired by him and a recent conversation with Barak about hamische, aka "frummy" brands and their poor quality.)

A shiddukh "test" also apparently making the rounds involves pantry inspection. It's one thing to judge someone by the hechsherim they use, but something almost surreal to put emphasis on how much poor-quality food people will purchase.

How this works... 

[Buying Israeli like Osem or Elite does not count as "hamische", by the way.]

Choose the brand you would more likely purchase in the store (if given a choice)

Food Column A Column B

Ketchup Heinz/Hunt's Gefen

Mayonnaise Hellman's/Best Foods Unger's

Sandwich Cookies Oreo's Bloomy's

Salad Dressing Ken's Steak House Haddar

Microwave Popcorn Orville Redenbacher Mishpachah

Soy Sauce Kikkoman's Season

Cheddar Cheese Tillamook Miller's

Butter Land o' Lakes Morning Select

Pasta Sauce Barilla Mrs. Adler's

Potato Chips Lay's/Ruffles Lieber's

Results:

If you selected Column A, you are not "frum enough" since you give money to goyishe companies. (You should be ashamed of yourselves for daring to buy better quality food.) [However, if you have sons the same age as my daughters, let's talk shiddukh in 20 years! They are beauties, b'li ayin ha-ra and both want to be doctors, so they're smart as well.]

If you selected Column B, you feel you have something to prove to your neighbors. Even if a lot of these companies are goyishe, they cared enough about the kosher consumer to make tasty food accessible to us.

When It's No Longer Platonic

A thought-provoking post by JS on DovBear has prompted a long discussion about platonic relationships and their connection to Judaism. "Modern" Jews see no problem with male-female friendships. I accept that all of us are born with a yetzer ha-ra and it is up to us to learn how to control ourselves. The part I found most interesting in these recent posts (the point had been made by Tikun Olam) was that the Bais Yaakov girls (who hid it from their schools that they even attended these camps) were often the primary culprits of the activities in the bushes.

The charedim seem to have an awful lot to say about how "moderns" conduct their lives contrary to halakhah while "moderns" make a thing about charedim need to get "with it". I view charedim as taking strigencies and dressing it up as a part of the law. The "rules" were created when understandings were different. For example, it was relatively rare for men and women to interact on an intellectual level during the time of the Talmud. We live in a different world today!

With that being said, it's funny (in a sad way) when the ones pointing the fingers are doing the "crime". CBS2 ran a report today about inappropriate sexual relations occuring between married chassidic Jews. Many of them are escaping unhappy marriages, meeting up with random people on the Internet, and hooking up for sex. This is not occurring in that "orgy palace" of the UWS but in places like Williamsburgh. Generally, I respect chassidic Jews for their ability to keep their noses out of other people's business and conduct their own lives. VosIzNeias meanwhile is not sure how to handle a response to this report.

To be honest, it is a shame that the non-Jewish media exposed this "dirty" bit of information about religious Jews blatantly violating a mitzvah d'oraita (against marital relations with someone else's wife). On the other hand, perhaps this will allow people to focus within their communities and open up the gates of communication in marriage.

What is Frumkeit (really)?

Rabbi Maryles wrote a wonderful post about how praiseworthy it is to be a BT, yet we/they are treated as "defacto second class citizens" by many in the FFB world. For example, in our community, there is this FFB named "Golda".

Golda is the youngest child in a family full of rabbis, educated in a top-notch Beis Yaakov, and eventually married the "most frum" of a MO family (her brother-in-law was another early positive influence and a friend from college). Golda is extremely fascinated, to the point of being rude, with gerim and ba'alei t'shuvah. Upon discovering that a mutual friend of ours is a geress, she asked (in front of a large group of people) which traife food she "missed" the most. I really do not know what Golda is thinking with these questions. Tova (the friend) and I recently found out about another "stranger" in our midst (she told us because she is trying to make a shidduch for her daughter who converted as a child, over 10 years after the mother's Reform conversion). Tova joked that if Golda found out about this development, she might run to the lady's house and ask what pork tastes like or something rude to that effect.

Anyway, Golda seems genuinely fascinated by gerim and ba'alei t'shuvah because since she grew up in it, it seems odd that someone would "choose" to take this on. At the same time, she likes to "educate" us non-FFBs about the inner workings of the frum world. (Did I really want to know?) [At least twice, she has pointed out to me that one of her mother's ancestors was connected to "THE" Avraham ben Avraham, (of sefer fame)...Talk about riding on the coat tails of yichus.]

A recent simcha in the chareidi world may have changed Golda's perspective...She was snubbed at this party because amongst various reasons, it seems that she "married down" when it came to her husband (who, by the way, can boast of having had a grandfather who was a rabbi and a brother who is one), in the eyes of her mother's neighbors (and people she grew up with). This time, I gave Golda the education.

It seems that everyone has lost focus on what being "frum" means. So many people equate it with how many chumrot one takes on (or other meaningless external measures). First of all, my understanding of the mitzvot is that their purpose is to bring me closer to Hashem. My accountability (if I break one) is to Him, not to my fellow Jew (as much as some may want me to justify my life). I do sincerely believe that spirituality has died in so many people, that they may feel that taking on the most stringent rule fills them with a sense that they are getting closer to G-d (and keeping up with the Schwartzes on the chumrah of the month club).

Based on my bitterness about frum life (which I approached with open eyes), I have been asked why I bother. The answer is simple, which I told Golda. Golda did not have a choice to be frum, it's all she knows. I, on the other hand, chose to be frum because I wanted to have a closer relationship with Hashem and follow his mitzvot. I do this for purely selfish reasons and without a concern of other people and their relationships with G-d.

Matchmaker, matchmaker...make me a match!

One area where sh'mirat ha-lashon seems to have its own rules is on the battlegrounds of shiddukhim. I have never been able to understand the concept of "frum dating", but at the same time, I don't (totally) discredit it for those who hold by it. As my regular readers may know, I think that the only reason that I am married is because I met cool yiddish papa before the idea of a frum life was not even a glimmer. I am too much of a "rebel" to have been able to fall into this system of sitting by the phone waiting for your beshert to call. [I initiated phone contact with cool yiddish papa and even asked him out for our first "official" date when it was noted by our friends that he liked me, but was too shy to do anything about it.]

Back to sh'mirat ha-lashon and dating. While I feel that a person detached from the situation can sometimes be the best judge, extreme caution must be exercised in order to prevent airing someone's dirty laundry in public. If you have a "bad" date with someone (defined as "lack of chemistry"), feel free to set him up with a friend that you feel might work out better. On the other hand, if the person turned to be a potential ax murderer, feel free to warn the shadchan about your lack of comfort without embarassing him. Please, don't tell the entire community about your date.

Running out of steam tonight and I need to talk to cool yiddish papa, so good night y'all.

On Shidduch Dating...

Sephardi lady, on her blog, orthonomics, ended up talking about my next issue, shidduch dating. She wrote about the misguided idea of relying on segulot to help find a bashert instead of the "crazy" idea of picking up the phone and asking people out for dates.

I agree with her totally. However, not too many people in the frum world are about to do that. I think that extreme male/female segregation is causing a good portion of this situation (read brooklyn wolf about the tzius women-only mall in Israel as well as emes ve-emunah about the Gerrer Rebbe/Rav Aharon Leib Steinman's male-only first class flight to America).

I heard stories from an older friend who grew up frum (and left for a while). He came back because he married a BT girl. She showed him how much everything "changed" over the years. He told me that only a select few had separate seating/dancing at weddings. In fact, weddings were an opportunity for young people to meet other singles, hang out, etc. The chattan and kallah's families arranged for the young people to sit together at a mixed table. Now, you will be hard pressed to find casual events where single frums can interact with the opposite sex. We are at a point where we seem to be limited by internet sites, speed dating, and recommendations based on a resume.

I have been working with this girl (21) who was so embarassed when a boy approached her at shul, just to talk to her, that she pulled me aside and asked my help in getting rid of him. I told her that she has to talk to boys at some point if she plans on getting married. Her response was that she'll talk to them on the shidduch dates, but can't handle strange boys talking to her out of the blue.

What kind of future will the Jewish people have if the young people are afraid to even approach each other? There is not a segula in the world that can help if girls are running from a kiddush and boys feel like they can't even talk to a girl they like. Why do they have to jump through so many hoops to simply go on a date? It's situations like this that make me so happy that I met cool yiddish papa before there was ever an inkling that we would eventually become frum.

I strongly encourage any single person to approach that person that you like about a possible date. So what if it doesn't work...think about it as a learning experience for the next date. In my community, the local Aish Ha Torah minyan seems to be one of the places that the non-frum singles like to go to on Shabbat. There was one woman, 34 years old and still single. She looks pretty enough, seems smart enough, etc. I asked her what she was looking for in a husband. She gave me a laundry list that even included his profession (lawyer or successful business man). It made me feel sad for all the nice men she passed over for dates because they did not make (enough) money or the way she wanted them to make it. It's totally ok to require that your future spouse be a mentsch but it's not to ignore the teacher with the gorgeous smile because his investment portfolio is not big enough.