The December Dilemma, Part 1: The Celebration of Chanukah as a Jewish Subsitute for Christmas or as our D-day?

A sad statistic bouncing around in Jewish education circles concerns the contact hours the average American Jewish child is given towards chinukh. [Day school grads and parents, this refers to "supplementary schools", most commonly known as Hebrew school.] From consecration until confirmation*, the typical American Jewish child (at best) will have a third grader's understanding of Judaism.  No parent in their right mind would think to send a child into the world with such a rudimentary grasp in secular studies (aside from some charedim, but that's a topic for another post), yet it's commonplace in many parts of American Jewish society. The synagogue (and by extension, its Hebrew school) are the key connections these children will have to any sort of yiddishkeit.

Now, meh Chanukah?

When American Jewry assimilated into "regular" society, one of the first things noticed was the big deal made about Christmas. For Christians, Christmas is a big deal. It commemorates the "virgin birth" of their humanized form of their god. [Ironically, the selection of December 25 had more to do with early Christians desire to hide their beliefs than actual knowledge of the day of his birth. Until the Romanization of the Early Church, December 25 was known as Dies Natalis Solis Invicti (Birthday of the Invincible Sun) since the sun conquered the dark of the solstice.]

This child-like understanding of Judaism has added significance when one sees the recent statistics in the non-frum world. The rate of inter-marriage has exceeded 50% and is not showing any signs of slowing down. In fact, within the Reform setting of my Hebrew teaching job, it's more rare to have students with two Jewish parents than inter-married combinations. These couples have one type of "December dilemma" involving the celebration of Christmas and Chanukah (one, the other, or both) and to what extent will they be observed. Each inter-married couple makes their own decisions on the matter.

With this in mind...

Secular Jews have taken Chanukah and made it into a "Jewish Christmas". They are both in the winter, and somehow, Chanukah has morphed into some gift frenzy. However, even for "completely" Jewish families there is another type of December dilemma: how much to play up Chanukah. Should we (pardon the expression) "pimp out" our houses with lighted dreidels and over-elaborate displays to equalize the holidays? Twenty years ago, many a Jewish child in public school would go home and ask their parents for a Christmas tree. Some said, absolutely not and others would compromise with a "Chanukah bush", which is an evergreen covered in dreidels, lights, etc. The other option would be to keep Chanukah in its original position as a rather minor holiday commemorating a military victory in our history.

I have been called a koferet (?) for preferring to place higher significance on the narrative of the Books of the Maccabees (originally written in Greek, not part of our TaNaKh, but available in some Christian Bibles) than on the explanation the rabbis give in Masechet Shabbat 21b about the miracle of the oil. (This story is a key contributor to the Sunday school myth many of these secularized Jews carry with them, as part of their third grade education.) The battle which awarded the Maccabees Beit ha-Mikdash was significant, but it didn't end the war with the Syrian Greeks. According to the narrative, the re-dedication of Beit ha-Mikdash was eight days long to echo Sukkot. Sukkot was the most recent holiday missed due to the battles and the desecration. When Beit ha-Mikdash had initially been dedicated, it lasted eight days and was during Sukkot. The Hasmoneans (who ultimately ruled Judea) were not extremely religious (and in fact turned out to be relatively similar to the Greeks when they force converted various groups to Judaism) and would have downplayed any possible miracles. Why, then, did the Rabbis link a "miracle" to the celebration? By the time of CHaZaL, the Romans had completely destroyed Beit ha-Mikdash and the Rabbis felt the necessity to downplay military valor after Bar Kokhba. So, a re-interpretation of a holiday observance was put into place to continue its relevance to new generations.

When comparing Chanukah to non-Jews, I liken it to D-day. Both are commemorations of key events in wars and their actions resulted in ultimate victory. This is especially important to me as cool yiddish papa and I are it when it comes to observance. All of our siblings are married to non-Jews and do literally NOTHING when it comes to Chanukah. Therefore, the grandparents (also secular) like to play up the gift aspect of this season and it's an equalizer for the religious diversity we have. It's hard year after year to get it into our parents' heads that we prefer to keep the holiday low-key. We light the menorah nightly and I like to get creative about what gets fried in oil (this is the one time of year we eat this much fried food), including new types of latkes, onion rings, eggrolls, cheese sticks, etc. (From a financial standpoint it is to allow CYP's cousin, who is barely making ends meet, able to participate without feeling bad about giving cheap gifts.)

Do any of you have similar dilemmas about Chanukah? Please comment and share.

* The Reform (and later on, the Conservative) movements created these additional life-cycle events to mark a child's entry (and graduation) from Jewish education. Consecration is typically held in first or second grade, usually on Simchat Torah, and commemorates a child's start of their Jewish education. At some synagogues, the girls will wear white frilly dresses (similar to First Communion dresses). If the child did not stop at Bar/Bat Mitzvah, they continue for another couple years and commemorate their "graduation" on Shavuot in a ceremony called Confirmation. Some of it models the Catholic church which "confirms" a child's baptism at the age of thirteen. The confirmands will often wear robes and take roles in leading the service. One innovation that a local temple started doing was to do away with the robes and grant the confirmands with full membership in the temple in their own right (including representation on the board), thereby solidifying a spot for the teenager in the Jewish community.

Book Review...When Organizing Isn't Enough: SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life

Like most people, I am constantly on the search for the next "big thing" that will fix my problems, to which I have no problem admitting. For years and years, it would be diets (a topic for another blog post). Another area I have felt a strong need to work on has been my organizational/time management skills. I have read literally dozens of books on the subject. I would take their suggestions, work with some of them for a while, and it would fall by the wayside in short order.

Last week, I attended a Ladies' Night sponsored by CYM/LOML's school Parent Council . There was a speaker discussing how we can bring balance back into our lives followed by a yoga session. One of the books the speaker recommended had the above title. It intrigued me because I had read other books by this author (Julie Morgenstern) and loved her idea in Organizing from the Inside Out that the best organized space we should aspire to creating would be like a kindergarten classroom. There are "zones" for various activities. Morgenstern has tackled similiar issues in subsequent books: Time Management from the Inside Out and Never Check E-Mail in the Morning (which is next on my book pile and focuses on those habits which drain our time).

This current book admits that NO organizational/time management system is successful without addressing what needs to be accomplished. A lot of us make space/time in our lives only to fill it with "more". Until we can address our goals, we will go through a constant cycle of decluttering. Our lives center around a theme, which can change whether we choose it to or not (new job, divorce, moving, children). If we look at the process as SHEDing, it allows us to create our space and time around that theme and move on from there.

To illustrate her point about SHEDing, Morgenstern tells the story about her decision to become a professional organizer. It was shortly after her divorce and she had to raise her daughter on her own. Until this point, she had worked in the theatre and realized the need for something more reliable. When she started her business, it was reasonably well for several years, until it plateaued. Meanwhile, she had stored under the dining room table of her Brooklyn apartment, 6 boxes of theatre production books (from every show she had ever done). She truly no longer needed them and they were taking up space. One day, she had enough of the wasted space (the books were "organized" and "safely containered" but were still anchoring her somehow) and she tossed all but the books from her two best productions. After this happened, her business stagnation left.

Separate the Treasures
Heave the Trash
Embrace your Identity
Drive Yourself Forward

This book inspired me to finally accept some facts about myself I've been wrestling with for a while. For example, I've been holding on to a bunch of boxes in my basement from my many years as an afternoon Hebrew teacher. When I packed up my classroom at the Talmud Torah, I simply threw the boxes in the basement. I figured when I have a classroom again, I would use some of this stuff. Needless to say, in the meantime, I opted to downgrade Jewish education as a "sideline" while I work on my credentials to become a "general studies" teacher. In reality, I may never use a lot of this stuff again. A step in the right direction for me has been to stop blaming the "majority" of the mess on the kids' toys in that basement area.

I am still working out a theme for the next chapter of my life, but at least I'm starting to face facts.

I'm BAAAAACK!

Over the next few weeks, I'Y'H, I will be re-vamping my blog to focus on my myriad of interests, all of which reflect on my many facets: mother, educator, and observant Jewish commentary on the absurdity of chumrot. A few updates on my life since the last time we "spoke":

* Both the "cool yiddishe maidel" and the "light of my life" are going to school. CYM is in first grade at the local MO/RZ school and "LOML" is in pre-school at the same place, but on a different campus.

* I spent last school year exploring my next step on my career journey. Previously, I was a "career" Hebrew school teacher and was given an offer I could easily refuse when the administration changed a year and a half ago. I happily accepted an offer to be a Hebrew specialist at a medium-sized Reform congregation. Surprisingly, no one there has been the least concerned about my observance level, cementing my original view that we are all "just Jews". Synagogues are part of movements but people are more fluid.

* As part of this exploration, I worked as a teacher aide at a day school. Despite my background in Judaic studies, I spent more time working with the General studies teacher. This gave me an amazing opportunity to see the other end of a dual curriculum. Taking all things into consideration, I opted to enroll in a post-baccalaurate program at my local college for a teaching certificate in Early Childhood Education (Pre K-3). To make this happen, I put myself on "sabbatical" with my Master's studies in Jewish Education.

* To meet the basic economic needs for my family, I am working quite a bit. I work as a shadow for a special needs student at the local charedi school (the one that does not check for TVs in the house) in General Studies. In addition, the Reform congregation is working to place Hebrew as a larger component of their curriculum and asked me to come on board for their emerging mid-week Hebrew offering. In addition, I have been offered an opportunity to tutor home-schooled children. I am still exploring the third option to see if my schedule (and my sanity) can accomodate it. [B'H, cool yiddish papa is still working quite steady within the federal government but my income covers our "frum" expenses, like living in a specific area, buying over-priced kosher meat and cheese, and day school tuition.]

* Since Pesach, I have been (essentially) gluten-free. In September, the doctor requested that I "re-test" since she had a difficult time believing that I'm gluten intolerant. Shortly before Rosh Hashanah, I had a couple slices of my friend's honey cake and some cookies. While the honey cake was delicious (thanks, Barak), I spent several days recovering from the effects. I have essentially decided to keep myself gluten-free. (As a side effect, we discovered LOML has similar issues. After I banned gluten from the house, CYP would take the girls out to eat. LOML would be sick for a couple days, like I would be. Positive result, for the first time in years, LOML has been putting on some weight where before her stomach would bloat up and her limbs stayed skinny.) Celiac disease may run in my family and possibly led to my father's (a'h) colon cancer.

* I'm spending a lot of time on Facebook and when I get "brave", I'll link this blog to my Facebook page since it exposes my "real identity".

Parnasah Update

For those of you who know me "in the real world", I have been having job tzarot for some time. After a rather stormy transition of directors, I decided to walk away from the Talmud Torah I have called home for eight years. In a nutshell: Reform rabbi who rents space in the school for her congregation led a campaign to have me removed for my "influence" over the students. With no just cause to not renew my contract at all, I was transferred to another branch. Received contract in mail, but returned a resignation. Later on, a former supervisor, "Oketz", (in the midst of her own rumored scandal) has been named as the assistant director of the Talmud Torah. [I had considered asking to withdraw my resignation until I found out that she was going to be there.]

I am taking graduate classes at the local Judaics studies college. They have a cooperative relationship with the local bureau of Jewish education to cover 2/3 of the tuition for each teacher enrolled in a class there. The future of grad school hinges on my having a teaching position in a bureau school. Last week, I told them that I can't continue studying if I don't have a position (they also rely on Jewish Federation dollars connected to enrollment numbers). Today, I made a tally of all the places that I contacted and what happened (identifying details have been changed, of course):

4/26/2007 Large Conservative Congregation (S) [replied right away]
not looking for anyone right now
Position desired: teacher, tutor, or aide (cold contact)

4/26/2007 Other Large Conservative Congregation (T) [last e-mail from her: 6/20; last correspondence: 7/18]
she attempted to set up meeting in June but nothing materialized; I repeatedly attempted to reach her without reply
Position desired: teacher, tutor, or aide (cold contact)

4/26/2007 Chabad Hebrew School (M) [interview: 5/21]
interested in talking to me when she saw that I was from Talmud Torah (her strongest competitor), but told me in the interview that she has "two married ladies" already and "only" hires "seminary girls" for the teaching
Position desired: teacher (cold contact)

5/31/2007 "Congregation Sinat Chinam" (R C) [reply: 6/xx]
keeping me on file should anything come up
Position desired: teacher (cold contact)

6/19/2007 Community Day School (L) [reply: 7/20]
does not have any openings
Position desired: tutor or aide (cold contact)

6/19/2007 CYM's school (RJ) [reply: 6/20]
"already filled the aide position"
Position desired: aide (response to e-mail that he sent out)

6/29/2007 Jewish/multicultural school (S) [notified: 7/18]
got called in for interview right away, references checked out, but job went to someone else ("not enough experience")
Position desired: teacher (response to ad in paper)

7/19/2007 Haredi school (C)
calling her tomorrow
Position desired: early childhood aide (received a lead from former teacher)

7/26/2007 Small Reform Congregation (R M) [gave me my first teaching job]
just sent him an e-mail today and awaiting further information
Position desired: teacher (cold contact)

7/26/07 Another Small Reform Congregation (D)
sent resume today
Position desired: teacher (referred by former academic advisor)

I also had a job interview today with an insurance agency, not my ideal line of work, but it fits one of my "nine rules": Be humble.

[What does that refer to? In the spring, I found a book at the library whose title intrigued me, 9 Things You Simply Must Do. In some future posts, I will talk about these rules. Right now, here's the synopsis. The author (a psychologist) has noticed nine "deja vu" traits that repeat in successful people.

He also wrote a series of books about setting boundaries in personal relationships, aptly named, Boundaries. At first, I shied away from this book because he uses a lot of quotes from the Christian Bible (he happens to be a devout Christian). Then someone suggested that I read what he has to say and substitute wisdom from TaNaKh or rabbinic literature that runs along the same theme. (Easy considering that 1st century Christians were essentially Jewish except for that whole "Yeshke is Messiah" thing.)

Will keep the blog world updated as things progress.

At a Crossroads

I just realized that it has been over 2 months since I last time that I posted, so I guess I should let the blog world know that I am alive and well (B'H).

* Cool Yiddish Papa and I have successfully moved out of our other neighborhood and managed to sell our house (even in this market). While we could have made more of a "profit" by waiting to sell, we decided that our happiness (and cool yiddishe maidel's social life) takes a precedent.

* A month after our move to "the other neighborhood", I met with the new director. I immediately did not like managerial style (more about that another time), and after two months of indecision, I bit the bullet and decided to not renew my contract for this year (without having a job lined up). I have to admit that I am pretty proud of my resignation letter because not only did I tell him that I am not coming back, but I did call into question his techniques.

* I am actively looking for another job, preferably in teaching, but am willing to shift careers if I can find something there. The realities of raising a family today supercede my "selfish" desires to have the career that I want.

* I have also made the decision that I want to take more time for my writing. It is something that I immensely enjoy. Watch soon for my fiction blog as this blog will continue to be essays influenced by real life experiences.

Keep reading as I continue to update my readers (who may have dwindled because I have not been writing).

Help Wanted!

Community after-school Hebrew program is seeking a Hebrew and Judaics studies teacher. Applicants should not be "too religious" and should be willing to step aside should the powers that be determine that you are "not right" for them, despite a successful teaching record and legions of loyal students as well as their families.

Perhaps that is the ad that my school should put in the newspaper. The upside is that the new director would like to place me at another branch of the school with same number of hours, etc. However, the two people who judged me for being "too frum" from DAY ONE have managed to get me out. As I told the director today, "Removing me will not end the problems between them and the school. They have made complaints about every teacher in the school. If I am being sent away, then so should all of them."

The best part is that the director determined that they are "key players" in the school's future, yet they account for 10% of the ENTIRE STUDENT BODY! My boss, at least one colleague, a few parents, and some students have already pledged to go to bat for me. One parent even told me that my being religious was a good thing for her children. They have learned to have pride in their Judaism that was never there.

Wish me luck as coolyiddishemama fights for her job.

A brief aside...Those who know me in the "real world" know that I have not been blogging for a while because my husband and I have left "galut", what we affectionately call our charedi neighborhood in which we lived for eight years. Someone said that we should have known where we were moving at the time, but not realizing my husband's dream to own a house that we could afford (at the time) superceded living in that neighborhood. At the same time, I know another couple who has settled there in the past year and feel that they have truly found a home. We are making a sacrifice in our move, having sold our house for slightly less than we paid for it in 1999, but even CYP (the financial maven) agreed that happiness is not something we can put a price on. Our house will close at the end of the month, i'y'h, so my life should uncomplicate a tad so that I can return to more blogging.

Back to the intended topic...by trade, I am a teacher. For the past three years, our school has been in a "partnership" with a grass-roots Reform congregation. In exchange for using our school building as their homebase, the families are to enroll their children in our religious school program. The obvious exception includes those who chose the day school route. Seems like a fair arrangement, yes? Well, from day one, they have used the word "partnership" to imply control of our curriculum.

For the record, I teach at a "community" school, meaning that we do not have any official hashkafah. My students' families range from completely secular, with some who are from intermarried families, Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and two who belong to an Orthodox synagogue. To many, teaching these students may seem like a daunting task. However, my theme all these years has been to focus on what all of us have in common as Jews and discuss our differences as "options".

Officially, this year, I am out of the loop with them because the president (whose child would have been a student of mine) petitioned to allow their congregation to use our teachers and classroom space to give them a completely separate program. The reason cited was that I'm "too Orthodox" to teach their children. By the way, I teach modern Hebrew, which the last time I checked, was universal. [Ironically, the teacher they requested is also frum, perhaps with less tolerance towards their lifestyle based on conversations she and I have had about the class.] Their fear has been that I would use the class as a soapbox for expousing my "beliefs" that everyone needs to be frum and I would proselytize to them. [This accuasation was thrown about without their knowledge that both my husband and I are ba'alei teshuvah and have many non-religious friends and family that have never felt that we force an observant lifestyle on them.] With a new director coming in, I am thankful that I am not their teacher. Any complaints from them are not based on me, at least.

This week I have to meet with my new boss to assure him that my personal life does not affect my abilities to be a professional Jewish educator. As we all know, who we are and how we think does seep into our professional lives. On that I'll keep you posted. Since I am feeling quite productive, I'll be posting twice today.

Something's Gotta Give...

Hila commented recently about not seeing me blog lately. Well, Hila, between children, work, grad school, housework, and preparing to sell a house (in order to close on a new one), blogging had to fall by the wayside. First of all, I am a peasant with dial-up. CYP wants to economize and hold out for DSL until we get to our new house. (It's a blessing in disguise. I might end up living on the computer if we had broadband anyway.) Second, I had problems finding a cord that would keep my laptop charged (and recognize when I switched to AC power).

I have been so stressed out lately with all my tzarot. I just realized that the hair that is coming out in my hands in falling out from stress. My aunt suggested that it was the sheitels I sometimes wear when cool yiddishe maidel wants me to have hair ("that boys can see"), but I told her that it wasn't so. Much to my distress, I have gained 10 pounds in the last two months without even having had the pleasure of binge-eating.

When talking about my tzarot, I have been "reassured" by people that Hashem doesn't give us more than what we can handle. Well, I still want to know what my breaking point will be...don't all of us to tell the truth?

I'm Alive (and Well)...B'H!

I have been extremely busy these past couple months and have had NO time to blog!

CYP and I are making preparations to leave galut and join our friends in "the other neighborhood". Packing is quite a chore. Part of me just wants to chuck everything and start over. Who knew that we had SO MUCH STUFF in such a little house!

A favor to ask all my loyal readers who still check on my blog and haven't given up on me... Please read the below letter and click on whichever link applies to you. I have until Purim to collect this data. [If you are part of "my real life" and already completed this survey, no need to re-do it.]

Dear Friends (and Friends of Friends):

I am taking a course on the History of Conversion (to Judaism) as part of my grad school studies. One of the assignments for this course is to evaluate contemporary views of conversion. I have chosen to select for my topic attitudes regarding conversion within the Orthodox community.

Please understand that I will not know who responds to which survey so your privacy is ensured. I am posting this on the blog to further protect your privacy.

To fulfill sh'mirat ha-lashon, all information is considered confidential and will not be discussed except in the context of this project. Any identifying information will be changed where it will not change the results of the data.

Please click on the link that pertains to your situation. You have 10 days from the receipt of this e-mail to complete this survey. If you have any additional information you would like to share with me (such as your story or general conversion issues), you can e-mail me.

Go ahead and forward on to other interested parties. I would like to get as diverse of a cross-section as possible.

Conversion Survey (for Gerim):
http://FreeOnlineSurveys.com/rendersurvey.asp?sid=74xqrtv0z6u165l268419

or
Conversion Survey (for Born Jews):
http://FreeOnlineSurveys.com/rendersurv

Teaching Your Children about Boundaries

Monday night as I gathered with other cool yiddishe mamas to talk about our kids and our weight loss goals, one of the ladies told us about something rather discomforting that happened to one of her children on Friday. Please use this incident to guide yourself and your children in what to do should, chas v'shalom, something like this should happen to you:

Tova lives up in the other neighborhood. Her 6 year old son, Naftali, is in kindergarten at cool yiddishe maidel's school. Last Friday, he was riding the bus home and the driver told Naftali to get off the bus (at the wrong stop). He had this little boy leave the bus on the other side of a rather busy street. While he was at the end of his own street, there was no way to be able to cross as the closest crosswalk was by a main intersection (besides, he's six years old and not sure what to do in a situation like this).

Little Naftali was sitting there crying. Suddenly a car pulls up next to him. The man gets out of the car and shows the boy that he's wearing a kipa and tells him that he's knows Naftali's abba (not even true because he didn't even know Naftali). Naftali gets into the car with the man he doesn't even know. [This is usually where the story gets frightening in other situations.] The unidentified man takes Naftali home and finds his family name inside his lunchbox. Using a community directory, he is able to find out where the boy lives. It turns out to be a few houses away from where they are. [Since all the man's kids are older, they never "ran in the same circles", so to speak.] The man takes Naftali home to a relieved Tova and her husband. Tova wrote a letter to the school district to complain about this driver. He was a sub for the week and knew Naftali's stop.

Barukh Hashem, the story ended on a positive note. He was returned to his family. However, how many of our children would just go off with a complete stranger, frum or not, just because they say and do the right things? I know that I was frightened, especially after Rivki told us about the rash of frum kidnappings in NY over the summer. Cool yiddishe maidel is an extremely friendly child and would probably go off with just about anyone. While I may be telling her that if she's lost, find a "police officer" (if we are at the mall), how useful would that information be if she was left off at the wrong bus stop?

The downside is that, in some places, we do not know our neighbors or even people who live in the same neighborhood as us. There needs to be at least one "safe house" on every street that children know they can run to if something were to happen.

My friend, Rivki, opens her home to all the kids in the neighborhood. One girl over Shabbat (whose 11 or 12 years old) demonstrated that she was never taught to have good middot by commenting on my larger physique and my seemingly "shleppy" clothes. [I have small children. If I'm with them there's no point in putting on my "good stuff" because it'll get dirty. In addition, how fresh do any of us look by mincha time on Shabbat?] While some of the kids leave much to be desired with their fine display of "derekh eretz", it is still clear that they are safe there. This particular girl comes from a large family and none of the ladies from the neighborhood have spoken to or seen the mother since they moved in. To be continued...

If I don't get a chance to do another blog, K'TIVAH V'CHATIMAH TOVAH to everybody.

Break down the niches

I want to open this post by saying something controversial: niches are safe. The easiest and most comfortable thing to do when confronted with something or someone new, perhaps different is to put the concept or the person into an already familiar category.

I started down the path of frumkeit ten years ago and I "crossed the line" officially seven years ago. I chose that date because that was when cool yiddish papa and I fully committed to kashrut, Shabbat observance, laws of niddah, and I covered my hair. (Tznua clothing was never an issue because I was never a tank top and hot pants type of gal.)

I can safely say that I became frum mostly for intellectual reasons. Observing the mitzvot just "made sense" and it was always about my personal relationship with G-d, not whether I was "frum" enough for the person next to me. During my journey on the derekh, I have seen people attracted to observance for social reasons and a deep desire to "fit in" with someone. I have also seen people who were very influenced by a charismatic figure and fell under their spell. Even in my own kiruv work, I have seen great potential in truly ehrlich people fizzle out because of childishness.

As I said, niches are safe, but are also binding. Cool yiddish papa and I are currently attending one of the few shuls in town where two men, one wearing a kipa s'ruga and one wearing a shtreimel just daaven as two Jews. The late rabbi, a'h, never closed the door on a Jew who wanted to come and daaven. If a woman showed up in non-tznua clothing, she would be welcomed, with the possibility that eventually SHE would decide to dress differently.

What is a niche supposed to do anyway? Is it to protect ourselves from the unknown or it is a simplified way to put people in their place? I, myself, though, find it a bit amusing that according to some people connected to me via my job, I am comparable to a black-hat Jew (even with my short sleeves and hair showing from my hats and tichels). In the community, on the other hand, I am perceived as "not frum enough" (with the same dress code). The truth is that people don't know what to make of others. It is easier to reject those who are a little different than it is to push a little to see the similarities that we are have.

People in Glass Houses...

shouldn't throw stones.

As all of us go through life, each of us is thrown our share of tsurris. As I focus on my own problems with my family situation, being a wife, mother, student, teacher, friend, and daughter; I try and keep focus by realizing that G-d doesn't give us more than we can't handle (although it may not seem like that at the time!).

Someone I know has children with all sorts of emotional and learning difficulties, minor financial problems, and battles yearly depression. Through all this, though, she still has the time to make wild speculations about other people that are baseless, but from her, they have just enough credibility to do some serious damage.

She is worried about a single man in our community who walked the nine year old daughter of a mutual friend to her house one Shabbat afternoon. He came over to visit her husband (they share a hobby) and the girl tagged along to play with the kids at the house. When it was established that the husband was not home, the man had been invited in "to wait" and he proceeded to play some board games with the kids. This mother felt a strong need to "watch" her children with this man the entire time because she has a "feeling" that he needs to be watched.

Now, the mother of the nine year old had no problems allowing the man to walk her daughter over to the other woman's house. I happen to know the man and know FOR A FACT that he is not "into children". In fact, there have been some events in his personal history that indicate his hatred for anyone who would abuse a child in any way. He also makes it a point to NEVER BE ALONE with a child. In his defence, this mother is battling her own demons and has been too preoccupied with them to deal with her children.

While I respect her right as a mother to be cautious of someone she is not completely sure about, I don't respect that she would ask me, a friend of this person, about his sexual history. I also don't understand why she would pass on to other mothers in the community to "watch out" for him, people he doesn't see on a regular basis. He doesn't take a significant interest in children and never pushes to be alone with them. At shul, he says "Good Shabbos" and might sit and play a board game during daavening. In truth, he is a "big kid" and is someone who could be classified as "weird", but who isn't in some way?

Just recently, I have learned about her problems from another friend. While her own life is falling apart, she is expending too much energy on this other person. While I admit to having my own problems, I do protect my family but I honestly don't have the time to worry about every weird person who crosses my path. If they are too strange, then I just stay away and avoid wasting my time "warning" others about them. Usually by the time I meet one of these "strangers", almost everyone else knows about them anyway.

Assignment as we are getting closer to Elul: Focus on filtering out useless information. If it doesn't immediately pertain to you or your situation, tell the perpetrator of the lashon ha-ra that you are not interested.

Where Do Some Traditions Come From...

And How Do We Get Rid of Them?

[From now until Rosh Hashanah, I intend to make many of my posts about how to use the time during Elul to make us stronger people and better Jews. If we work on one aspect, the other will grow as well.]

Stop me if you heard this one... When I was a child, I saw my mother making the brisket for the seder and noticed that she cut the tip off of it. I asked her why, she said, "I don't know. Your grandmother always did it this way." At the seder later on, she asked my grandmother why she always cut the tip off the brisket. Grandma's response was, "I don't know. My mother always did it this way." If my great-grandmother had not already been in shamayim, she might have said, "Because my Pesadik pot was too small for the brisket, so I made it fit." (Yeah, I know, it's a classic, but will illustrate my point.)

Esther brought up in her blog recently how one may come about some of their minhagim. If not fully understood, it could blow up into entire chumras when its' origin came about as something practical, like cutting the tip off the meat. [In this case, her husband's towels covering the pots on Shabbat. We ended up joking about the thickness of the towels or even the color, white of course. If you use the wrong color, you could effect the chances of your children making good shiddukhim.]

One of the first major differences cool yiddish papa and I had to overcome involved the matter of housekeeping. While neither of our mothers could honestly be called balebustas, the approach that was taken with this in each of our childhood homes was different. My father hated messes and made it a point to make sure the house was not a mess at anytime. Mom, on the other hand, could not have cared less. In my house, things had to be put away IN THEIR PLACE when we were done using it. If we neglected to do so, we ran the risk of losing it forever.

This contrasted significantly with cool yiddish papa's parents. His father didn't seem to mind if the house was untidy and only when company was coming would his mother flurry around, stuffing things into drawers. So when we got married, I was shocked when cool yiddish papa offered to help me clean before Shabbat one week...until two days later, I tried to open a drawer which was crammed full of stuff.

I will tell you that we have struck a happy compromise with our house. He gets one drawer per room to stuff things into, but the rest have to have a definite purpose. That, I would say, was a easier resolution than some in my parents' marriage. After it ended, my mother has since become a major pack-rat and I believe that she is asserting her independence in the gesture of accumulating so much stuff.

As part of a recommendation to bring closure on some issues involving my father, a'h, someone suggested that I do some reflection on "family traditions", in a more universal sense than what food is served at each chag (a common argument with my in-laws since my mother's family are yekkish and my husband's family are litvish). Many families have problems that are "traditions", such as substance abuse, phyiscal/emotional abuse, or psychological issues. It is, in fact, more common to have a dysfunctional family of some sort than it is to not have one.

A "mesorah" which has not been properly passed down from many a father to his son is how to handle marriage, not the physical part but rather, being a good husband. Many of us have our parents as our best role models for how to be in a marriage. We are the ones responsible for seeing what we like and didn't and trying hard to have our own marriages be different (in whatever way) from that of our parents.

The first personal struggle cool yiddish papa and I had, after the drawer stuff, was how to handle personal space and independence from each other. I wanted it and he didn't. My father was an extreme of this type as well. He wanted the space for himself but not my mother. He kept track of all her friends and tried to curtail her social events that did not involve him. When some of my mother's friends would call the house for her, Dad made sure to not give their messages. [I wonder if this were happening today would he also go into her e-mail or check her cell phone messages.]

Eventually, she started to add it up when some people she genuinely liked (but Dad didn't) weren't calling her anymore. She was able to talk to them and discovered that my father, for whatever reason, wanted to isolate her from the "outside" world. It started to seem like she could only talk to "pre-approved" friends (one of whom eventually became his paramour, but that's another story) and my grandmother, who he apparently adored.

We discovered later on that my father was doing all of this to gain "control" that he felt he was continually losing in any situation. My father was someone who struggled with substance abuse, depression, and a weight problem for most of his adult life. The fight was finally lost to cancer when he was 59. He honestly felt that if he could "control" the people close to him in life, then they would be around to help him through. However, if he wanted the space, we all had to give it to him.

My mother's favorite story was about how Dad "kept" her from going to a PTA with pleas it takes too much time away from the family after she had been at work all day. Mom, always the martyr in the marriage, gave up her plans. How did they spend this "romantic" evening? Dad sat and watched TV, barely speaking to her. He didn't even notice when she went to bed. (This, I found out, was a frequent game played by my in-laws.)

My husband has tried a similar argument since I started going to grad school at night. After a long talk, he realized that I need my space in order to be a better wife and mother. His mother may have not minded staying home most nights and my mother may have been too weak-willed to stand up to my father, but that will not be me. I am working harder at coming to understandings in my own marriage. Cool yiddish papa's mother was just comfortable with status quo and my mother was too afraid that shaking things up would take Dad over the edge. We are finding the best ways for us to define our relationship to each other.

I am suggesting that each of us find a "mesorah" in our own lives, that just doesn't quite make sense anymore. It could be due to the fact that your children just can't handle the time frame or even your nerves. Look into yourself and see how you can "improve" on it, so it will eventually make you a better person.

IT REALLY DOES EXIST!

We've all questioned its existence yet are totally convinced of it. I have been stuck for blog posts lately due to summer laziness. Most days, I just want to take the maidels out and enjoy this wonderful weather we've been having (B'H). Recently, I've had an opportunity to get together with a good friend who I haven't seen for a while. Her life is taking her in a different direction (I'Y'H, it's all good), but we were able to take the time to reconnect. A few months ago, a blog friend, Outoftown, had suggested a blog book club. Her first offering was a book called Off the Derech. I haven't had a chance to read it, but wouldn't you know that the book club I go to in real time has also suggested that book (so I guess now I have to read it).

So, the book club offering has also brought back a favorite topic of mine: the fabled "chumra of the month" club. I had spoken about it for several years, even using that name, only to find that there are so many others who know about it. Unfortunately, no one will admit to their membership in the club. I'm sure we all know people who are "closet members". Tonight, I was stuck with an idea for a blog post and it came to me. I should set out to see if any members of this fabled club do exist. (I know that we might not find most of them on J-blogs. After all, blogging is not connected to parnasah).

Chumra of the Week application

Forward the application on to anyone you know that might want to join.

"Al ha devash v'al ha oketz..."

In the last couple weeks, I have not been blogging much because I have been job hunting. I have not lost my current position, simply doing a few interviews to check how marketable are my skills. The position in question was as a teacher in an afternoon school; one of the new directors being a former colleague from my training program.

For the most part I felt that the interview went well until the topic turned to references. While there are several people who are willing to vouch for my character, teaching ability, connection with students, they specifically want to speak to the directors at the last two schools (my current one and one that I left five years ago, due to personal reasons). I do not want the director of my current school to know that I did this interview because she has been known to a) bad mouth the teacher to make him/her seem less marketable (especially if she wants to keep the teacher) and/or b) suddenly make the teacher's position at the school unavailable.

The other school was at "Congregation Sinat Hinam". I left, officially, due to many personal demands (expecting cool yiddishe maidel, my father's illness, finishing college, etc.). Unofficially, I was having some major issues with the person who had became the Hebrew coordinator "Oketz" in my second year, and is now the director. Suffice to say, Oketz is one of these people who likes to beat you over the head with her ideas about how to teach in a class. She is not happy to have teachers work through their own individual style.

Our last "real" conversation was 5 years ago when we met for my end-of-the-year review. I initially postponed the meeting when my father, a'h, had called me to take him (at the last minute) to chemotherapy. I left Oketz a message, explaining the reason and said that I can reschedule for later in the week. Later that afternoon, I go to get some coffee before going to work and she calls me over to "sit and talk" for a "minute". It turned into 45 minutes where she psycho-analyzed me (attributing my inability to work with some students to a dysfunctional childhood and my "revenge" on "the cool kids" who wouldn't let me "hang" with them), considered my participation in the community-funded training program a "waste of resources", and my "over-compensation" as "desparation" on their part, not "quality" on mine. Through all this, she also mentions by name a teacher she was not allowing back. However, I can come back as long as I play by her "rules". I was to take the teaching assignment she was to give me, meet with her whenever she requested a meeting, and give her a month's worth of lesson plans in advance. I told her that I would need sometime to think about it. The next day, I learned I was pregnant and used that as the excuse for not accepting her "generous" offer.

I had put all this into the file of the past until this interview last week and new information had also come to light about how Oketz had spread lashon ha-ra and motzi shem ra about me to several "heavy-hitters" in the education community. I had not discovered it sooner because once I divorced myself from Sinat Hinam and finished my degree work, I retired to semi-obscurity. I went over to our bureau for yearly continuing ed classes, but stayed in complete ignorance of the venom that this person tried to shoot through my reputation.

The problem is, I can't for the world of me, figure out why she had gone to such lengths to ruin my good name. Even with what she did, I never had anything personal against Oketz. She was just a person who managed to rise through the ranks quickly (perhaps another blog topic). Later, I learned how Oketz managed to get one of her daughter's teachers fired because this teacher showed concern when the girl was not doing well in class. It had been revealed that Oketz and her husband were having marital difficulties and the teacher was being sympathetic. The story Oketz told the school was that SHE was the victim of the teacher's lashon ha-ra about her being told to the entire community.

As I said, though, I never challenged her, even when her ideas ran against my teaching philosophy and she expressed desire to squelch our uniqueness only to make clones of her. Well, I'll hear back from the interviewers tomorrow. I'll keep you posted...

Alive and Well (blog roundup)

I have been bad about posting the past few weeks. I had an opportunity to go with cool yiddish papa and the maidelehs on his business trip. It was a good time to connect with old and new friends (you know who you are) and see some family. I can give some updates on old issues that I've mentioned in previous blogs.

bibnis (see "Kol Yisrael" , "Everyone Talks about It", "Rabbanim") got a job! We suspect that a recent visit to his brother's grave gave him a bracha (for those who are more pragmatic, it just all fell into place). The current employer knows about the back situation and has made accomodations. It is also a WELL-PAYING JOB as well as FULL TIME. What an odd combination in this day and age!

It seems that I was one of the last to know about Dr. Feelgood (see "TMI" post). I simply mentioned his name and... This could also say something about the hypocrisy of those who refuse to talk about something because it's lashon hara. People were quick to fill in details, each story more outrageous than the next.

Upcoming Attractions or What I Want to Discuss Next on My Blog

* Corruption of Halakhah for Self-Serving Purposes
* Kosher Food Politics (How do we know the real reasons why a hekhsher is not reliable? Does it have to do with halakhah or is it all a political game? Who can we rely upon for honesty?)
* The Importance of Kids Having Good Middot
* The Chumrah of the Month Club (We've talked about its existence. We will actually seek out the members so we are all up to date on their plans.)


Hope to post more soon. Ha-baby is waking up. Despite your feelings about the situation in Iraq, show your patriotism tomorrow. We should celebrate a country that allows us the freedom to be Jewish and a citizen.

"Charity Begins at Home"

As with many other areas in the non-profit arena, Jewish educators suffer from lack of funding. Everything seems to be rejected on one simple word: "budget". All year, I have heard this word bantered about, especially when the topic of promoting me has come up.

Our Jewish Federation is well-funded, yet seem to have their priorities skewed. They talk a great deal about their Federation missions to their "sister city" in Russia and all the money that has been raised to help the citizens there. As an employee of a Federation agency, I seem to be hit up awfully early to "give back."

We have the money to build a fancy new building for our school, but not the funding to adequately staff it to teach the students. Use of materials is curtailed and I need to justify every invoice sent in for my cooking projects. At the same time, I am encouraged to "continue" utilizing all our resources in this building (the computer lab, the kitchen, etc).

Two weeks before school ended, I heard directly from my boss that she was told by our "menachelet" to let one of the teachers go, due to cuts in the upcoming year. Originally, she was going to tell this teacher right after graduation since our regulations require informing a teacher that his/her "contract will not be renewed" (aka "being fired") by the end of May (the end of the school year). However, once my boss thought about it a little bit, she decided that it was more fitting for the menachelet to do the dirty deed. After all, the menachelet hired her in the first place. Instead of being all professional and calling her over to the main building for a meeting to tell her in person, she sends her an e-mail telling her that her services will not be needed in the coming year.

This person's "contract non-renewal" surprised me because if it was merely a "budget cut" then it would reason to release the most recent hire. It seems that there was more to it than that. She was not someone who rocked the boat or even questioned authority. She did her job of teaching the kids Hebrew. However, she was not the most patient with the students and many of the kids complained about her to their parents. I have also learned that those values our parents taught us about jobs can sometimes hurt us. If I have an issue with the curriculum or a procedure, I approach the menachelet directly and tell her. She does sit down with me and we discuss the situation. I have been instrumental in several book changes they have implemented since I started on the faculty seven years ago. I am also willing to try new things with teaching the children, none of which involves standing in the front of the class, lecturing them.

Okay, now let me get back to the original point of my post today. Our well-funded Federation has the money to help all these people abroad, but it doesn't seem to phase them when yidden are forced to sleep in their car or need help finding well-paying jobs to support their family. They have the money to build large buildings out in the suburbs, drawing even more Jews away from the heart of the city. There is no motivation to save inner-ring suburbs (such as the one I live in) when all the services are 20 minutes away. However, when we need to keep qualified staff in these buildings (my boss has the title of principal but only gets paid contact hours as well as coordinates events in the building, on her own time) and encourage parents to send their children to our school on the strength of its teachers, suddenly, they are broke.

To all my Jewish readers, have a chag semeach! Lactaid-users...don't forget to take it before indulging in the blintzes and cheesecake.

Lag Ba'Omer meme...I'm IT!

I had requested Matisyahu's new CD from the library weeks ago and it arrived the week before lag ba'omer. I resisted temptation for the week, and listened to it in the car while in transit. Here's my quick review...

Although I am not a fan of reggae, I felt it worth my time to give one of our own his "props" (as the kids say). Some of the songs were quite good (my favorite is his redition of "Jerusalem"), but others could have been better.

I tag...darkhairhermy.

Jewish Parent/Jewish Educator

When I am not being an attentive eema to 2 cool yiddishe maidels, I teach Hebrew and Judaics in a community afternoon school as well as working on my Master's degree in Jewish Education. I look at part of my job as keiruv work because our school is a prominent place for the kids to experience Judaism. In order to pay the operational expenses, we rent our shul space to a small Reform congregation. This has not been a great arrangement.

To start with, they make negative comments about our entire curriculum and our programming. However, as part of their rental agreement, we have exclusive school rights (unless they are enrolled in a day school). As long as they are renting our shul space, they cannot use our building for their own school. With me so far? Well, they have done nothing in the past two school years except throw accusations at us about being "too religious" (aside from myself and one other teacher, who was new this year, none of our staff is remotely frum). Our position in the community is that we teach Jewish concepts which are universal (holidays, stories from the Tanakh, Hebrew language and prayer, ahavat Yisrael). We do not require synagogue membership (in fact, a majority of our families are unaffiliated) and we have congregations, both Reform and Conservative, who use our school in place of setting up their own religious school.

I happen to know that their issues with the school have nothing to with polarization of the movements (even though they tirade about me "brainwashing" the students with my Orthodox "lifestyle"). [I wonder if they realize that this is the same logic that has been used to have gay teachers taken from the classroom.] The latest in this saga? They pulled their congregation's children out of a Shabbat program that all of my students essentially spent the year working on, as well as a lovely Mother's Day activity that their morot spent several weeks preparing for. They kept all the students in a classroom, segregated from the school.

When my boss confronted them about pulling out the students, the rabbi's response was that "they already do Mother's Day at school. It would be more appropriate to discuss the Holocaust with them." These are 5-7 year olds we are talking about here. The president of the congregation, who happens to be a teacher in the secular sector, agreed with the rabbi's comment and added that her own second grader is well aware of the Holocaust.

I find myself sitting on a narrow wall between being a Jewish parent and being a Jewish educator. Both elements involve giving proper chinukh to young children as well as a charge to passing on the mesorah (in whatever form). I do not think that it is at all appropriate to discuss the Holocaust with children that are under a certain age. However, if an individual parent wants his/her child to know about Bubbe's numbers on her arm, then it is okay for THAT PARENT to exercise discretion about the situation.I also do understand that there is no halakhic basis for a set day to honor your mother since it is in aseret ha-dibrot that we are to practice the mitzvah of kibbud av v'em daily. (Even cool yiddishe maidel's pre-school, MO with a religious Zionist slant, observed Mother's Day. She painted a flower pot, planted some flowers in it, the class made a book, and she made a card.)

It is my position, though, that parents need to understand that what is appropriate for child A is not necessarily for child B. For example, cool yiddishe maidel knows all the names for ALL the body parts and we discuss them quite openly. Al yad sheni, I have a friend that rather not use "clinical" words to discuss certain body parts, choosing instead to use "pee-pee", etc. [Friend, I know you read this blog and I hope I didn't make you mad for disclosing this. You can comment anon if I offended you. If I did so, I apologize.] Parents should make it their job to get to know their own children and learn what they can handle instead of demanding a school teach developmentally inappropriate topics to prove a point.

Cool Yiddishe Mama A-Z meme

Accent: Neutral...but a few people think I sound like a New Yorker, even though born/bred in midwest

Booze: good kosher wine (not cough syrup)

Chore I hate: Dusting...my kids need places to doodle

Dogs/Cats: 2 male cats... quite a change as I have always had females

Essential Electronics: cell phone for keeping in touch and laptop (wherever there's a wi-fi)

Favorite Perfume/Cologne: None, due to allergies

Gold or Silver: sterling silver, white gold, platinum

Hometown: large, Jewish community in the midwest

Insomnia: From time to time, especially when discovering new blogs

Job Title: morah and more important, eema

Kids: 2 cool yiddishe maidels

Living Arrangements: co-own 3 bedroom house w/ cool yiddish papa

Most Admired Trait: I accept people for who they are but expect the changes in myself, instead of others.

Number of Sexual Partners: only cool yiddish papa

Overnight Hospital Stays: 3, being born and twice I had a tiny human being cut out of my body

Phobias: bats

Quote: “Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
-- Douglas Adams (can definitely be said about our current one)

Religion: Jewish

Siblings: 1 sister and 1 brother.

Time I usually wake up: M-F 6:00AM (time to myself before kinderlach wake up); Shabbat 8:00AM; Sundays 6:30AM (only on work days, otherwise, it's 8:00AM)

Unusual talent: Still trying to find it.

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: brussels sprouts (the only one from childhood that still looks scary)

Worst Habit: nail biting

X-Rays: mostly dental, I've had tooth problems in the past

Yummy Foods I Make: homemade pizza, stir-fries, homemade bread

Zodiac Sign: Virgo

I tag Esther, Out of Town, JP, and Sephardi Lady.