Tznius: The "Big Idea" in Bais Yaakov Curricula

A question many teachers ask themselves when they are creating lesson plans or units of study concerns the "big idea" that they want their students to walk away when it's all over and take with them. Of course, there are objectives and standards that need to met as well. During my "first career" years as a Judaics teachers, we were urged to create units of study that encouraged the "big ideas" and the "big questions" which would cause our students to seek out answers. It was important for them to understand that there may not be one "right" answer to these types of questions.

Boy, was I in for a rude awakening when I started working in a charedi school! For the first month, per the mother's request, I was at the school from 8:30am-3:30pm, working with the same child. Shortly before Rosh Hashanah, some disruption ensued from by being there and I was relegated to General studies only (in the afternoon). [It's a topic for a very long complicated post but suffice to say, there may have been issue with my being "modern". You can fill in the gaps if you wish.]

Concepts are presented in a very black and white/right and wrong/this way or the highway attitude. I had read about this in accounts of people who fell "off the derekh" when they described their school experiences and even saw evidence of this when I lived in the charedi neighborhood, but still found it hard to believe. This particular school recently changed its dress code for the girls, limiting them to long-sleeve powder blue polo shirts or blouses, navy skirts, and navy socks (which allowed for compromise if they wanted to have "decoration" on them). My student happened to be wearing white tights (which the mother had been assured was okay for her age level) and the school interventionist (and self-appointed "uniform police") did a spot check one morning to see my student in these "illegal" white tights. [Keep in mind that my student is classified as "special needs" with high anxiety and emotional problems while the adult in this situation is supposed to be an "expert" in dealing with special needs children.] In front of the other girls, she caused my student to feel bad about the tights, explaining that they HAVE to be the same color as the skirt.]

This ties into a recent rant on Frum Satire and here about the "charedi goth" look we have been seeing recently. I'm sorry, but by definition, tzniut does NOT mean following a fad. As it appears to me, does it make a difference what color her socks were as long as they do the job of covering her legs? [It's easy to file it under "dress code" but I wonder if it has more to do with some "chumrah" that dark stockings are more "tznius" than white ones. I'm honestly not joking about this one.] 

My friends in real life has heard me rant about this before. I'm convinced it's revisionist history, at best. Somewhere, there's a picture of Beis Yaakov girls in Poland from the 1920s-1930s wearing dark stockings. [There are several practical reasons for this: 1) It's essentially winter in Poland ten months of the year; 2) Dark stockings are lower maintainance than white ones. If they rip, the mending will not be as obvious. 3) Along the same point, they don't show the dirt as badly. Remember that people did not wash their clothes after one wearing, nor have ready access to hot water and washing machines.] I understand there are chassidishe sects who require the women and girls to wear dark stockings. This seems to me to be yet another example of charedim borrowing the strictest thing they can find and turning it into halakhah. 

The "big idea" that charedi schools want their children to take with them is that there's only one "right" way. Anything that does not quite measure up is just not frum, no matter what you may think. This could lead to thinking that talking to a boy is just a step away from sex. (I was young once but I can't recall any occasions when that was all it took.) There is even a comprehensive curriculum for Beis Yaakov schools to use for their 1-12 girls on the evolving theme of tzniut. It even includes a study of collarlines, sleeves, hemlines, and slits to determine what would be kosher. I have a basic question to ask. Why can't the morot and the mothers simply model tznua dress with their children like I do with my girls? Cool yiddishe maidel is almost seven years old and we have already started looking at clothes and she analyzes whether it's tznua. I gave her some simple guidelines (about covering the belly even with arms up, for example) and she has been somewhat successful on her own. How about giving the children the tools to understand and moving on from there?

More on Shmirat Ha-lashon

B'H, cool yiddishe mama now has two new jobs, when a little over a month ago, I was seriously worried about my parnasah. I resigned from the Talmud Torah where I had worked for eight years because 1) I was not happy with the changes he had made to my schedule and 2) he hired as his assistant someone who I KNOW is not a good person for me to work for because she tried to ruin my teaching career six years ago (however, there's more tongue-wagging about an alleged affair between herself and a rabbi, while they were still married to other people). During the week, I'll be working as an aide at a day school every afternoon. Sundays, I'll still be teaching Hebrew, at a Reform congregation known until recently as being the most "classically" Reform in their outlook. All this changed, when the new rabbi and his wife, the religious school director, came on board. Both places have nice, professional people and I am pleased to call these people my colleagues. However, recently, I have heard a couple "slips of the tongue" by people that are bound by confidentiality in their jobs.

1) My mother-in-law is a receptionist in a local doctor's office (and it should be said that we do not have the best relationship, but that is another story). One day, she was checking in (or out) a patient and randomly asked the mother ("Lisa") if she works. It turns out that "Lisa" works at my Sunday job and this was mentioned to her. Later on, she told cool yiddish papa (her son) that she met someone at the doctor's office with kids the same age as ours who will be working with me on Sundays. Sure enough, "Lisa" approached me at the teacher orientation after seeing my name on my name tag (we have a very unusual name) and told me that my mother-in-law told her to look for me. On the surface, this could seem like a cute story of people playing Jewish geography. To me, though, I wouldn't want my doctor's receptionist discussing me with her family. All of us sign that paper when we go to the doctor, assuring us that our privacy will be assured. (Of course, it is an entirely different thing when one runs into another person in the waiting room and they start schmoozing.) I guess it reminds me of going to the mikvah...there's an unwritten rule that we not talk about who we see there (perhaps alluding to knowing what will happen later at home) and being discreet about it with others.

2) This second case pains me even more as this was a teacher ("Miriam") in cool yiddishe maidel's class. Last Sunday, she was in one of our restaurants and started speaking to a friend of mine, currently a server there and formerly a janitor at the school before he injured his back. "Miriam" started telling the most horrible things (not clear if it was true or untrue) about one of her students and their family (and using real names), thinking that my friend cared. When he said that he was not interested in hearing it, she found his boss' wife (a friend of hers) and continued the story, loud enough for friend (and several patrons) to overhear. I told my friend that she was not allowed to do that. Teachers, also, are bound by confidentiality, which includes not discussing students with non-professionals. [Of course, I can report abuse if I know about it, but I can't talk about the tzarot of a friend of mine whose son happens to be in my class at the day school. I could lose a friend and a job...not worth it on either count.]

What bothers me even more with this teacher is that a teacher is bound to uphold school values in their daily conduct. It's an easy stretch to say that a school which promotes Torah values should expect their teachers to do the same. [Since this teacher is not teaching limudei kodesh and is not frum, I am not expecting adherence to kashrut and Shabbat, just sh'mirat ha-lashon.] Sadly, when friend informed the director of the school (and this teacher's supervisor) of this indiscretion, he was told that the director spoke to the teacher and since the teacher said it was a "private conversation", he's to blame for overhearing it. [He showed me the e-mail and all he said to the director was to tell her teachers to maintain professionalism even outside work.]

[Side note to readers of this blog whose children attend the same school as cool yiddishe maidel: it was one of the assistant teachers, not the one that is frum.]

This is hard for me because up until now, I have loved just about everything about this school. It scares me because it could have been my child she was talking about, in this way. It's not that I have so many skeletons in my closet (at the same time, I am not an open book). I feel that if certain people are bound to maintain confidentiality, then they should act that way, even when off the clock.

ZACHOR

A large part of being a Jew it seems is the obligation to have a perfect memory. We are to remember what G-d did for us in Mitzrayim (Pesach), that as slaves we never had a day off (Shabbat), and that in almost every generation some "bad guy" has risen up to try to annihilate us, spiritually or literally (Tisha B'Av, Chanukah, Purim, and Yom Ha-Shoah). As a teacher and a parent I struggle with how much or how little information to give my students/children. There are just elements of our history that I do not feel obligated to show cool yiddishe maidel (CYM) or light of my life (LOML) until they are old enough to ask questions. I can't ask them to even understand it because there are adults who can not begin to grasp the full extent of hate.

Sunday was Yom Ha-Shoah. Communities all over the world held ceremonies to fulfill a modern interpretation of "ZACHOR"--Remember the Shoah so that there may never be another one.

At what age is it appropriate to show children the horrors of the Shoah?

Like many in my (and my parents') generation, our questions started when we saw the numbers tattoed on the arms of our grandparents' friends or our neighbors. With the witnesses to the horror getting older and dying, this may not be such a reality as my children (and i'y'h, my grandchildren) start to have questions. To answer the above question (without saying whether it is the most appropriate age), I was eight. My mother was avoidant so I tried to read Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl. When she saw the book in my room, it was the first (and only) time she attempted to censor my reading material. She instructed me to return it to the library right away. I was sent off with the "short answer" that Hitler hated the Jews and wanted them to all die. If he had succeeded, none of us might have been born. [To end the story, I finally read it at 13 and took a Holocaust studies course my senior year of high school.]

Like many other places, our 7th-8th grade class, with the help of their teacher, created a moving ceremony commemorating Yom Ha-Shoah. Fifth and sixth graders were also invited to attend, with fourth grade and below remaining in their classes. (While my third and fourth graders are aware of the Shoah, we decided that the assembly was not pedogically appropriate for them.) At the end of the day, I saw a child, perhaps a year older than CYM, walking out of class wearing a paper star created to look exactly like the one at the top of the post. She is in a mixed class of kindergarteners, first and second graders. She is a part of the groups that wants to be with us for our building, but not for our religious instruction. The instructor, a special-education teacher by trade, deemed the Shoah appropriate for five year olds!

This is the same group who, last year, pulled themselves from the gan teachers' "Muffins with Mom" on Mother's Day which included the children doing a "Ani ohev/ohevet et eema sheli ki..." with pictures. The reason? "They already do Mother's Day in public school. Why not do something more appropriate like Yom Ha-Shoah?" Our answer had been, and will be, that kibbud av v'em is universal, like being thankful (ie Thanksgiving, Sukkot).

Please take the opportunity to sound off about this! This is a rare time when a J-blog is not attacking hashkafah. I want to "hear" how you feel about this.

"Chanokh lana'ar al pi darko"

["Teach a child according to his way", --sefer Mishleh]

In an earlier post, I have commented on parents who have handed over parental control to rebbes out of a lack of confidence in their own parenting. Now, I am looking at this passuk from a different perspective. What does it mean to be "fair"? Does it mean to treat everyone equally (including ignoring each person's unique situations) or does it really mean to assess each person's needs differently?

I feel that it means to follow the second opinion. After a search online, I found that the Vilna Gaon and I see eye to eye[side note, a friend of mine found out that he is a descendant of VG after finding the name of one of his ancestors in a book about VG]. (It has been a while since I found the quote so apologies to the person who posted it on the Web.)

"The Vilna Gaon asks, 'Why do you have to teach a child according to his way, why not according to our way? The reason is, because each person is born with a unique nature. We have to train the individual according to his or her character and personality traits - the method that will work for that person.'"

As children we see our parents treating our siblings differently as "unfair", but then, when we become parents ourselves, we start to see the wisdom behind it. However, this is something that cool yiddishe maidel fails to understand when I am dealing with light of my life. While it may not be "fair" to compare my children to each other, I will anyway.

When CYM was 2 1/2, she was clearly more "verbal" (using more words) than LOML is currently. However, I can tell LOML detailed instructions (as in a string of sentences) and she shows complete comprehension while I had to (and still do) break it down for CYM. The girls are three years apart in age. By necessity, I have to do things differently for each of them. CYM can be left for a playdate at a friend's house while LOML still needs constant supervision.

Just something that I have reflected on and decided to share with you...

Teaching Your Children about Boundaries

Monday night as I gathered with other cool yiddishe mamas to talk about our kids and our weight loss goals, one of the ladies told us about something rather discomforting that happened to one of her children on Friday. Please use this incident to guide yourself and your children in what to do should, chas v'shalom, something like this should happen to you:

Tova lives up in the other neighborhood. Her 6 year old son, Naftali, is in kindergarten at cool yiddishe maidel's school. Last Friday, he was riding the bus home and the driver told Naftali to get off the bus (at the wrong stop). He had this little boy leave the bus on the other side of a rather busy street. While he was at the end of his own street, there was no way to be able to cross as the closest crosswalk was by a main intersection (besides, he's six years old and not sure what to do in a situation like this).

Little Naftali was sitting there crying. Suddenly a car pulls up next to him. The man gets out of the car and shows the boy that he's wearing a kipa and tells him that he's knows Naftali's abba (not even true because he didn't even know Naftali). Naftali gets into the car with the man he doesn't even know. [This is usually where the story gets frightening in other situations.] The unidentified man takes Naftali home and finds his family name inside his lunchbox. Using a community directory, he is able to find out where the boy lives. It turns out to be a few houses away from where they are. [Since all the man's kids are older, they never "ran in the same circles", so to speak.] The man takes Naftali home to a relieved Tova and her husband. Tova wrote a letter to the school district to complain about this driver. He was a sub for the week and knew Naftali's stop.

Barukh Hashem, the story ended on a positive note. He was returned to his family. However, how many of our children would just go off with a complete stranger, frum or not, just because they say and do the right things? I know that I was frightened, especially after Rivki told us about the rash of frum kidnappings in NY over the summer. Cool yiddishe maidel is an extremely friendly child and would probably go off with just about anyone. While I may be telling her that if she's lost, find a "police officer" (if we are at the mall), how useful would that information be if she was left off at the wrong bus stop?

The downside is that, in some places, we do not know our neighbors or even people who live in the same neighborhood as us. There needs to be at least one "safe house" on every street that children know they can run to if something were to happen.

My friend, Rivki, opens her home to all the kids in the neighborhood. One girl over Shabbat (whose 11 or 12 years old) demonstrated that she was never taught to have good middot by commenting on my larger physique and my seemingly "shleppy" clothes. [I have small children. If I'm with them there's no point in putting on my "good stuff" because it'll get dirty. In addition, how fresh do any of us look by mincha time on Shabbat?] While some of the kids leave much to be desired with their fine display of "derekh eretz", it is still clear that they are safe there. This particular girl comes from a large family and none of the ladies from the neighborhood have spoken to or seen the mother since they moved in. To be continued...

If I don't get a chance to do another blog, K'TIVAH V'CHATIMAH TOVAH to everybody.

People in Glass Houses...

shouldn't throw stones.

As all of us go through life, each of us is thrown our share of tsurris. As I focus on my own problems with my family situation, being a wife, mother, student, teacher, friend, and daughter; I try and keep focus by realizing that G-d doesn't give us more than we can't handle (although it may not seem like that at the time!).

Someone I know has children with all sorts of emotional and learning difficulties, minor financial problems, and battles yearly depression. Through all this, though, she still has the time to make wild speculations about other people that are baseless, but from her, they have just enough credibility to do some serious damage.

She is worried about a single man in our community who walked the nine year old daughter of a mutual friend to her house one Shabbat afternoon. He came over to visit her husband (they share a hobby) and the girl tagged along to play with the kids at the house. When it was established that the husband was not home, the man had been invited in "to wait" and he proceeded to play some board games with the kids. This mother felt a strong need to "watch" her children with this man the entire time because she has a "feeling" that he needs to be watched.

Now, the mother of the nine year old had no problems allowing the man to walk her daughter over to the other woman's house. I happen to know the man and know FOR A FACT that he is not "into children". In fact, there have been some events in his personal history that indicate his hatred for anyone who would abuse a child in any way. He also makes it a point to NEVER BE ALONE with a child. In his defence, this mother is battling her own demons and has been too preoccupied with them to deal with her children.

While I respect her right as a mother to be cautious of someone she is not completely sure about, I don't respect that she would ask me, a friend of this person, about his sexual history. I also don't understand why she would pass on to other mothers in the community to "watch out" for him, people he doesn't see on a regular basis. He doesn't take a significant interest in children and never pushes to be alone with them. At shul, he says "Good Shabbos" and might sit and play a board game during daavening. In truth, he is a "big kid" and is someone who could be classified as "weird", but who isn't in some way?

Just recently, I have learned about her problems from another friend. While her own life is falling apart, she is expending too much energy on this other person. While I admit to having my own problems, I do protect my family but I honestly don't have the time to worry about every weird person who crosses my path. If they are too strange, then I just stay away and avoid wasting my time "warning" others about them. Usually by the time I meet one of these "strangers", almost everyone else knows about them anyway.

Assignment as we are getting closer to Elul: Focus on filtering out useless information. If it doesn't immediately pertain to you or your situation, tell the perpetrator of the lashon ha-ra that you are not interested.

Sitting on a Picket Fence...

and boy does my tuchus hurt!

Because of the things that I might be talking about in this blog (even without giving names and identifying details) could put me into serious trouble, I am trying my best to withhold actually identifying my name and location on this blog.

I have found it necessary, though, to tell my readers where I fall on the "frum spectrum" as a result of a "conversation" on another blog about how to decide if you trust someone's kitchen as kosher. It is true that there needs to be a unifying standard of what is kosher. This is difficult in a country that supports over 200 hekhsherim! Each of us knows of at least 20-25 that "everyone" can rely upon, and 50 that have been branded "not recommended". The reasons aren't always given, at least once I did find out that it was "political" (the local va'ad was upset that someone "dared" to go out on their own to certify a place so the va'ad declared said place "not recommended").

Back to that fence...we live in what could best be described as a "charedi" area of the community. (However, they will say that the truly "yeshivish" people live out by, where else, the yeshiva.) Within a ten minute walk from my house is both the cheder school (which requires parents to sign a no TV/no Internet [except for parnasah use] pledge) and the "not so charedi" school (which does not make families sign a similar agreement but it is clear that the factions do not mix on many occasions). I can imagine that the fence for these families can also be a rough one to sit upon... but not my problem.

In the more affluent area resides the MOs and some of cool yiddishe maidel's classmates. They live in the 3000 square feet houses and some are movers and shakers in the community at large, such as developers, doctors, attorneys, etc. The "other" Orthodox affiliated school is a religious Zionist one. Truthfully, while one of the main goals of the school appears to encourage any and everyone to make aliyah, the school's bread and butter comes from some of these families who "know" that aliyah will never be an option.

Okay, so what is the problem I am having with this school? In addition to the machers of the community, there is a faction that seem to emphasize the "MODERN" more than the "Orthodox" (my mother pointed out to me one day). These are the people who wanted the Orthdox school option because of its "higher standard" but were put off by the other Orthodox schools for whatever reason. No, I do not peek into their cupboards (or even their bedrooms), but I was a little leary when my daughter attended a birthday party of a classmate (whose mother worked in the school) and I discovered that the cake came from a local grocery store's bakery (which does NOT have a hashgachah). The rabbi's wife who was at this party was discreet enough to ask, "Where did you get such a beautiful cake?" [Side note, I could tell that it did not come from one of our kosher bakeries, since it did look so "good".] Cool yiddishe maidel is not that into dessert (especially after 3 slices of pizza that I could verify came from the kosher pizza store), so it was not a problem. Back to the question of whether or not to accept some of these families' kashrut (it seems extremely hypocritical of me, but you have to "read" me out).

The school does have a kashrut policy that they expect the families to uphold, even to the extent of what is brought in the school lunches. NO ONE is permitted to use their own kitchen for preparing anything that is to be served at the school. [The nursery director had assured me that "70% of the families do keep kosher".] I found out from the daughter of friends of ours (whose in the middle school) that out of 20-some kids in her grade, only 4 do not eat out "vegetarian" (herself included). Some of the kids treat her like she is "too frum", etc.

For the record, neither cool yiddish papa nor myself eat "vegetarian" in non-kosher restaurants. However, he has had to have a salad in some places for a business lunch when the restaurant was not okay with him eating his own food. We do not live in a city that has a kosher option downtown. Most of the time, though, he will eat his lunch before "lunch" and then settle for coffee or soda at the "lunch". The few occasions that he did have a salad, he went short of doing a complete inspection, and deemed the whole process "too much trouble" for future occasions.

In this community, we are not being judged on any "real" evidence except for cyp's lack of a "full-time" kipa, my elbow exposure, and cool yiddishe maidel's interest in shorts. [I stick to all the "respected" hekhsherim.] Oh, I did admit to a seminary girl I was driving from Hebrew school that we don't "keep" chalav yisrael. Now, mind you, I was not denying her the right, nor was I teasing her with Godiva chocolates. In her naive way, she told me that I don't really "keep kosher" if I don't buy chalav yisrael. Oh, did I mention that I live somewhere that does not have a local source for chalav yisrael (we used to). For those who take it on here, it is a financial hardship. The milk costs almost twice as much and goes sour quickly.

So, if you are still reading, kol ha kavod! So here's the fence part. I am worried that we will be "too frum" in the upcoming years at my daughter's school, but not frum enough to fit in at the other schools. We are sending our children to this school because it is the only Orthodox one in town that teaches Hebrew as a language (better to prepare them for seminary in Israel) and offers text study for girls. I am an "intellectual" BT and hope that my girls will develop the same love of rabbinic texts and study of halakhah that I have. The way that I am rationalizing it right now is that these families are at a different place on the derekh and will reach each step at their own pace. So, for the purpose of klal yisrael, we are accepting meal invitations by these families, and just accepting that they have a different level of understanding than I do.

For example, in my kitchen, we have separate counters for meat, dairy, and pareve; along with placemats/tablecloths. I have been in houses where the same tablecloth is used for meat and dairy. Since this is not something that I do, should I say that I don't accept their kashrut? Maybe what we should do is go to the sources and figure out what is halakhah and what is only a minhag. [About the counters, the contractor who worked on our kitchen is Sephardi, and called our separate counters "a vus-vus thing". He said, "You Ashkenazim and your silly chumras!"]

Jewish Parent/Jewish Educator

When I am not being an attentive eema to 2 cool yiddishe maidels, I teach Hebrew and Judaics in a community afternoon school as well as working on my Master's degree in Jewish Education. I look at part of my job as keiruv work because our school is a prominent place for the kids to experience Judaism. In order to pay the operational expenses, we rent our shul space to a small Reform congregation. This has not been a great arrangement.

To start with, they make negative comments about our entire curriculum and our programming. However, as part of their rental agreement, we have exclusive school rights (unless they are enrolled in a day school). As long as they are renting our shul space, they cannot use our building for their own school. With me so far? Well, they have done nothing in the past two school years except throw accusations at us about being "too religious" (aside from myself and one other teacher, who was new this year, none of our staff is remotely frum). Our position in the community is that we teach Jewish concepts which are universal (holidays, stories from the Tanakh, Hebrew language and prayer, ahavat Yisrael). We do not require synagogue membership (in fact, a majority of our families are unaffiliated) and we have congregations, both Reform and Conservative, who use our school in place of setting up their own religious school.

I happen to know that their issues with the school have nothing to with polarization of the movements (even though they tirade about me "brainwashing" the students with my Orthodox "lifestyle"). [I wonder if they realize that this is the same logic that has been used to have gay teachers taken from the classroom.] The latest in this saga? They pulled their congregation's children out of a Shabbat program that all of my students essentially spent the year working on, as well as a lovely Mother's Day activity that their morot spent several weeks preparing for. They kept all the students in a classroom, segregated from the school.

When my boss confronted them about pulling out the students, the rabbi's response was that "they already do Mother's Day at school. It would be more appropriate to discuss the Holocaust with them." These are 5-7 year olds we are talking about here. The president of the congregation, who happens to be a teacher in the secular sector, agreed with the rabbi's comment and added that her own second grader is well aware of the Holocaust.

I find myself sitting on a narrow wall between being a Jewish parent and being a Jewish educator. Both elements involve giving proper chinukh to young children as well as a charge to passing on the mesorah (in whatever form). I do not think that it is at all appropriate to discuss the Holocaust with children that are under a certain age. However, if an individual parent wants his/her child to know about Bubbe's numbers on her arm, then it is okay for THAT PARENT to exercise discretion about the situation.I also do understand that there is no halakhic basis for a set day to honor your mother since it is in aseret ha-dibrot that we are to practice the mitzvah of kibbud av v'em daily. (Even cool yiddishe maidel's pre-school, MO with a religious Zionist slant, observed Mother's Day. She painted a flower pot, planted some flowers in it, the class made a book, and she made a card.)

It is my position, though, that parents need to understand that what is appropriate for child A is not necessarily for child B. For example, cool yiddishe maidel knows all the names for ALL the body parts and we discuss them quite openly. Al yad sheni, I have a friend that rather not use "clinical" words to discuss certain body parts, choosing instead to use "pee-pee", etc. [Friend, I know you read this blog and I hope I didn't make you mad for disclosing this. You can comment anon if I offended you. If I did so, I apologize.] Parents should make it their job to get to know their own children and learn what they can handle instead of demanding a school teach developmentally inappropriate topics to prove a point.

On Being a Jewish Parent...

It is easy to argue that being any type of parent is difficult in today's unsure world. Our parents seemed to have it easier. The financial concerns I will save for another entry, but for right now, I want to talk about the increasingly common use of halakhah (Jewish law) and calling on the local rabbanim as a shield against our own inability to parent our own children.

While my children are too young to be affected by this particular issue, it is something that has incensed me since Pesach. It seems that the local va'ad is having public second doubts about one of the rabbanim giving an area donut shop a hechsher. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with kashrut violations. The concern stems from the idea that this donut shop may become a "hangout" for the teenagers and this interacting in a public place will lead to the kids committing "immoral acts" with each other.

My husband and I have spent many a motza'ay Shabbat at either this donut shop or the one kosher pizza place that does open up on Saturday nights. While the donut shop only received a hechsher several months ago, the pizza place is an institution. In fact, "cool yiddish papa" and I would hang out at said pizza place during our courtship days, so we can vouch for its appeal to the younger crowd. This is the weird part which only goes to discredit the fears about the donut place. The crowds of teenagers at pizza place are co-ed and can be rowdy at times, but no one is committing immoral acts. However, at the donut shop, it is mostly groups of girls coming in. Rarely do I see boys in this mix as well.

I, for one, welcome well-lit kosher establishments for the young people to congregate at. It is especially good that if it is also a place where us or one of our friends could "mix" with the crowds. It beats another popular option in my community: hanging out at the area gas station making soda concoctions while pretending to not be talking to the boy who pulled up in the car nearby. While there are those who feel that boys and girls are not separated enough at school or outside of it, that is fine, but not my life or how I intend on raising my daughters.

I personally am not advocating one-on-one dating for teenagers. The group approach which was my only option until I was 17 worked fine. Spending time with boys was not assur to me and therefore, not too interesting. If my girls want to go with a bunch of friends on a donut run on a Saturday night, all I want to make sure of is that they are indeed going to the intended location and that they feel comfortable enough with me to tell me the truth.

Where I am going with all of this is that I think too many parents today are not doing the job that G-d gave to them when they were handed that tiny baby. Either they are afraid of making a mistake, so they do nothing or they just pass all responibility off on "an authority" so if there is a mistake, then they have someone to blame. While this problem is also common in the non-frum world, the overwhelming tendency in the frum world is for people to attach a rabbi's name or hide behind halakhah to restrict their children from many real and imagined dangers in the world.

Why can't the phrase, "Because I say so" pull weight anymore? Why can't a parent simply say that it is not part of their plan to raise their child instead of saying that the other way is against halakhah? Like the woman in my neighborhood who criticized me for allowing my 4 year old daughter to play in pants in our local park. The tirade included being told that pants are not tziusdik on girls over three, didn't I know that? Well, I think that when a child is climbing jungle gyms, swinging, or bicycling, she is more tziut in pants because of the dangers of showing underwear with a skirt. I am just suggesting that my way may not be yours but that doesn't make it wrong.

Parents need to take back their authority as partners with Hashem in the child-rearing process by saying our family rules restrict objectionable shows. It doesn't matter if your friends from school have their own DVD player, in our home, we watch TV together.

My assignment for anyone who is a parent is to try and make sound parenting decisions based on your own wisdom and not using halakhah as your only authority. Doing it any other way teaches your children to not respect you and eventually, the halakhah becomes the "bad guy" that always says no. Instead, teach your children that halakhah is what guides us as Jews and give them the tools to use this guide properly and not as a yardstick to beat them over the head.